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Goat Simulator Review

Goat Simulator Review

Price: £6.99
Developer: Coffee Stain Games
Publisher: Coffee Stain Games
Platform: PC

Goat Simulator Review

Well, here we have it. The defining moment in gaming. The pinnacle of the form. For the play it was Hamlet, for the novel Ulysses, and for film Citizen Kane. Each took its own medium and elevated it to unrepeatable heights. Now we have our own unrivalled masterpiece, a classic that will be remembered even when the last human on Earth hunches over the dying embers of the final flame. “I was there,” this crooked old man, bent by time and torment, shall whisper to the ether. “I was there when Goat Simulator was released.”

Goat Simulator Review

That’s not a very good joke, I know. But neither is Goat Simulator. As comedy games go, it is the equivalent of daytime TV covering a popular Youtube video. What works perfectly well as thirty seconds of amusement is stretched into half an hour of awkwardly searching to spin it into something more, and ultimately falling back on repeatedly pointing out how funny the original joke was.

Handing you control of one standard-issue Capra Aegagrus Hircus, Goat Simulator plonks you in a small open-world with the simple aim of causing as much destruction as possible. Now even the most nihilistic of goats would usually struggle to do more than churn a farmer’s field into mud before getting its horns hopelessly tangled in a wire-fence. Fortunately for your cloven-hoofed avatar, everything in Goat Simulator’s world appears to be made out of papier-mâché and springs.

Goat Simulator Review

Head-butting a person in Goat Simulator will send them flying across the map like a comet, while doing the same to one of the many stationary vehicles dotted around the environment will cause an explosion that catapults anything nearby into a geostationary orbit, including the twisting, flopping ragdoll of your own goat-y self. In addition, your goat can lick things to attach them to his sticky tongue, things like basketballs, chunks of broken fence, other goats, and the wheels of a fast-moving articulated lorry.

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Billy Joel, Jimmy Fallon sing with an iPad app (No, it’s really good)

And there they go.


(Credit:
The Tonight Show/YouTube; screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET)

Billy Joel didn’t seem too sure at first.

One imagines he’s a man of the old school: the dusty piano stool, the fool sitting in the corner talking into his beer.

He may be slightly less of a man for gizmos and apps.

Somehow, Jimmy Fallon, ever the boyish enthusiast, talked him into singing along with an
iPad app called Loopy. This allows you to layer one track over another, so that you, too, can make like “Bohemian Rhapsody” (say).

Instead of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Fallon chose the “Boeem-a-weh” song. Yes, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

It might have all come crashing down. Somehow, it’s curiously satisfying.

As they loop their loops, they manage a more than passable doo-wop impersonation.

True, Joel is a far better singer than Fallon. As, perhaps, are you. But he’s generous enough to allow Fallon his moments without grimacing.

I fancy that, this weekend, the Loopy app will suddenly become very popular, just as many people will become unpopular with their neighbors.

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Google: No, no. You’ve got Glass all wrong

It’s nothing, really. Just a nice idea.


(Credit:
Google/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET)

Something I’ve learned over the last few years is that Google is always right.

It criticizes the NSA for snooping, when it quite happily crawls all over your e-mails. But it’s right, because it’s for your own good.

It pumps ads at you even when you’re writing e-mails, but it’s right to do so. Because these ads are far better than all the other ads you’ll see on the Web.

And then there’s
Google Glass, which Google insists isn’t a creepy, awkward intrusion into public and private life. So Google must be right.

Well, except that those who have so far resisted a Google chip being implanted into their brains still feel that Glass might be for the self-righteous, rather than the normal human being.

Of late, Google seems to have adopted a crouching posture, as the criticisms and humor have rained its way.

First, it issued a Do’s and Don’ts post — in which it asked its Glass Explorers not to behave like Glassholes. Yes, they needed to be told.

Now the company has published a lengthy post on Google+ titled “The Top 10 Google Glass Myths.

It’s a riotous little read that comes across as a miffed and haughty self-justification, masked as mealy mouthed modesty.

In essence, dear downtrodden Earthling, you’ve got Google Glass all wrong.

Sample 1: You think Glass is on all the time? Of course it isn’t. Its default is off, just like your phone. It only gives you stuff when you need it. “It’s designed to get you a bit of what you need just when you need it and then get you back to the people and things in life you care about.”

And, as you’re doing that, please try to forget that you’re wearing a ridiculous Borgiastic pair of glasses that make the people you care about suspect you need sedation.

Sample 2: Glass Explorers aren’t technology-worshipping geeks. Apparently, they’re normal people like firefighters and, um, reporters who just like to play technology-worshipping geeks when they’re out in public.

Google’s version of this: “The one thing they have in common is that they see the potential for people to use technology in a way that helps them engage more with the world around them, rather than distract them from it.”

It’s hard to write when I’m slapping my forehead very hard, but isn’t the way to engage more with the world around you, to not keep looking up at the right-hand corner of your Borgiastic glasses?

Other areas in which Google would like to disabuse you include: Google Glass is a finished product (no, no); Google Glass does facial recognition (No, no. Well, not yet); Google Glass is the perfect surveillance device. (Gosh, no. There are far better ones. They’re just not made by Google.)

This allegedly myth-busting post ends where you really want it to: in a discussion about whether Glass marks the end of privacy.

Don’t be ridiculous, says Google. There’s simply a trend toward more and more cameras. That’s the way the world is going.

“In ten years there will be even more cameras, with or without Glass. 150+ years of cameras and eight years of YouTube are a good indicator of the kinds of photos and videos people capture — from our favorite cat videos to dramatic, perspective-changing looks at environmental destruction, government crackdowns, and everyday human miracles,” says the post.

Yes, humans are such positive, optimistic, freedom-fighting, cat-loving sorts. They never snoop on anyone. They never Scroogle or Microsnoop. They never pry and spy and plot and envy and loathe.

Well, at least not on the West Coast they don’t.

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The 404 1,450: Where we play by ear (podcast)

Kaffe qif qiya! Finally, a course to help kids learn Dothraki

Completely appropriate for children, the Muzzy Dothraki language program will have your kids running their own khalasar in no time!


(Credit:
Video screenshot by Michael Franco/CNET)

Hey kids! Have you ever wanted to learn how to say “I will dance in your blood?” in the Dothraki language made popular on “Game of Thrones”? Parents, do you want to arm your kids with vital language skills in a world that’s increasingly being taken over by strange terms like “Valyrian steel,” and “mother of dragons?” If so, video-spoof-making team Nacho Punch has got just the thing for you.

Their latest YouTube parody takes a 1990s commercial for a video set that teaches kids to learn a foreign language by following along with the slightly creepy character “Muzzy,” and melds it with the fantasy world of “Game of Thrones.”

“With this unique language course,” the video says, “humans, giants and even bastards can learn a second language with incredible ease.” The course isn’t just for wannabe Dothraki speakers either. It also offers lessons in Valyrian, Hodor and White Walker.

The cost for the set of “four delightful videos” is a deal too: just three petrified dragon eggs, or 20 gold pieces a month for six months.

Even though the video is a spoof, such a language-learning set for Dothraki isn’t really that crazy. The language actually exists. It was created by David Peterson, who won a contest sponsored by the Language Creation Society to invent the vocabulary and grammar for the HBO show. It has more than 3,000 words and a Web site that tells you all you’d ever really want to know about speaking the language.

The Muzzy/Dothraki mashup is just one of the latest in a long line of Nacho Punch short animations like “Star Wars: The Lost 1980s Anime,” humorous series like “Robin Banks and the Bank Roberts,” and spoof videos like “Hipsters Love Beer,” which went viral after it was released in January, according to the Nacho Punch peeps.

So act soon to reserve a Dothraki Muzzy language course for your kids, because you never know when they’ll need to talk their way out a tricky situation with a nomadic horde at school. And Qafak qov kaffe qif qiya fini kaf faqqies fakaya! (That means, “The trembling questioner crushed the bleeding boar that squished a kicking corn bunting,” but I’m still learning, so give me a break.)

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Not tonight, darling, I’m online shopping

“Not tonight, darling, I just don’t want to listen to you.”


(Credit:
Amazon/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET)

I know that Nancy Reagan always encouraged us to “just say no.”

But it’s not easy, is it? Some people can be terribly insistent, nagging even. Some can sulk or get aggressive.

Thankfully, it seems that Americans have found a new way to tell their significant others that they don’t have a significant mood for sex: they say they’re busy online shopping.

You might think I’m making it up. And I might think that people who create these surveys are making it up too.

All I can tell you is that the cashback rewards site EBates commissioned TNS to perform a study among 1,000 American adults that emitted fascinating conclusions.

Some 10 percent of women say they use their mobile devices — and the excuse of shopping on them — to deter their lovers from getting amorous.

But here’s the nugget that might astound even more: 13 percent of men admitted to doing the same thing.

I confess that I hadn’t considered online shopping as a means of expressing emotions toward another person. I certainly couldn’t imagine telling a lover that I wasn’t feeling carnal because I was trying to decide which pair of camel boots to buy.

And you’ll forgive me, I hope, if I mention that survey respondents often seem to have enjoyed a touch too much Bacardi.

But for some people mobile shopping has become the equivalent of the invented headache. It brings with it the luxury of not being forced to take a couple of Advil, in the hope that this will somehow lift your libido.

This splendidly twisted survey, performed between March 14 and 17, further offered that passive-aggressive shopping is also directed at annoying co-workers, annoying people on public transit and, of course, annoying in-laws.

The original purpose of this survey was merely to examine mobile shopping habits. It seems that 45 percent of Americans use their mobile devices to shop — and 10 percent claim they do it daily.

Perhaps these are the 10 percent who stand in front of me at Starbucks desperately waving their phones at the scanner, only to get more reaction out of the whipped cream on their frappuccino.

Tellingly, 49 percent of the respondents in this survey confessed that shopping on their mobile device cures boredom while they’re waiting in line. And 24 percent somehow couple mobile shopping with watching reality TV.

Perhaps Americans are just frightfully confused. (No “perhaps” about it)

In essence, though, what is the difference between sex and online shopping?

In the latter, it’s much harder to haggle.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/cnet/pRza/~3/iTfjSBtETBk/

Man, mad at Internet seller, texts him Shakespeare (all of it)

He wrote a lot.


(Credit:
Bio/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET)

Getting mad occasionally results in getting even, but often only in getting madder.

Ultimately, the whole point of revenge isn’t even to get even at all. It’s to feel that you have.

Edd Joseph needed to feel better about an internet transaction. As the Bristol Post declaims it, he bought a
PS3 online for 80 British pounds (around $132) on the Gumtree site and the transaction went perfectly.

Except for the tiny detail that he didn’t receive his PS3.

This he deemed an arrow of outrageous fortune. So he mulled and cogitated and pondered and thought therefore of revenge and ceased to weep. (Oh, it’s “Henry VI,” if you must know).

The 24-year-old Joseph fell upon the realization that you can copy and paste things from the Web and send them as texts.

He told the Post: “It got me thinking, ‘what can I send to him,’ which turned to ‘what is a really long book,’ which ended with me sending him ‘Macbeth.’”

Joseph was mad because he knew he couldn’t get his money back. He’d paid by bank transfer (which is against Gumtree’s terms and conditions.)

On the other hand, he had an iPhone. He realized that with just one pressing of “send” he could text a whole play to his alleged scoundrel.

So he cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war. One text for him was 792 texts for the receiving party.

This was quite some dagger he saw before him. For he had an unlimited text plan, to complement his need to inflict pain. Why not send all Shakespeare’s works?

Not all Shakespeare plays are the same length. “Hamlet” is the longest. Yes, that one would have amounted to 1,143 texts at the receiver’s end. In total, Joseph hopes to complete his task of sending all Shakespeare’s plays, which ought to result in 29,305 texts.(He says he’s already sent 22 plays.)

You might wonder whether the alleged bad guy responded.

Joseph said: “I got the first reply after an hour, and then a few more abusive messages after that. His phone must have been going off pretty constantly for hours.”

This is not deterring Joseph.

“I’m going to keep doing it. If nothing else I’m sharing a little bit of culture with someone who probably doesn’t have much experience of it,” he explained.

There’s one small part I don’t quite grasp. If this story is as Joseph describes, why doesn’t the seller just block his number?

Perhaps he’s afraid that parting will be sweet sorrow.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/cnet/pRza/~3/pQTEQEL2eLk/

Glasshole heaven: Hotel offers free drink if you wear Glass

Give that woman a free drink.


(Credit:
Google/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET)

Being seen in public wearing Google Glass is a statement.

Some, though, see it as a statement that you are tone-deaf, socially blind, and congenitally self-righteous.

Casinos have banned it and one Seattle restaurant owner described
Google Glass wearers as “man children stinkin’ up the joint.

But now one joint has come to Glassholes’ rescue. As the San Francisco Chronicle reports, the Stanford Court, in San Francisco’s snooty Nob Hill, is welcoming Glass wearers.

Indeed, it’s not just opening its arms. It’s opening its pockets, by offering a free cocktail to anyone who DOES wear Glass in its Aurea Lounge.

Naturally, there’s an element of brown-nosing to the monied. A hotel spokesperson told the Chronicle: “The complimentary drink is geared toward the local tech crowd who own a pair, and might feel like an outcast or nuisance due to the recent string of negative press. [We] want them to feel at home.”

There is a tiny catch. No, it’s not that you have to first count backwards from 100 in Mongolian.

To qualify for this fine free cocktail, you have to photograph your drink or the hotel with your Glass and post your work to Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter with the hashtag #stanfordcourt.

In a possible lapse of humor, you appear to get nothing if you post your photograph to Google+.

Personally, if I walked into this hotel bar and saw that almost everyone was wearing Google Glass, I’d run for the hills. Even though I was on one.

But this is bold-faced marketing at its finest. The hotel is under new management. It was apparently spurred by the dust-up the other week in a slightly less fancy establishment, when a social media consultant called Sarah Slocum was allegedly assaulted for wearing her Glass and allegedly recording people.

Stories differ as to everything that might have truly transpired. Moreover, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that Slocum was once accused of recording her neighbors surreptitiously with her cell phone.

Still, I fancy that those who want to see a veritable coven of Glass doing their worst will be tempted to the Stanford with the idea of mockery or worse.

We should all be glad to live in such exciting technological times.

I can currently find no evidence that, if the promotion is a success, the hotel intends to rename its bar The Glasshole In The Wall.

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Superman + drone + GoPro = awesome POV footage

Superman with a GoPro

Superman checks himself out in a mirror.


(Credit:
Video screenshot by Amanda Kooser/CNET)

While we’re all waiting around for Superman to hook up with Batman in 2016, we’ll have to get our Man of Steel fix elsewhere. So let’s saunter over to YouTube and join a couple million other people in watching a low-budget Superman POV adventure cleverly filmed with a drone and a GoPro.

The video features a guy in a classic spandex Superman outfit, complete with tightie reddies, flying through a city to return a lost GoPro camera to its owner. Naturally, it’s not that simple. There are bad guys with guns, a cop who is also a fan, a building on fire, and a thrilling mid-air rescue of a damsel in distress.

The footage comes from Internet video creators Corridor Digital. The makers call it one of the most challenging projects they’ve attempted.

A behind-the-scenes video lets viewers in on the secrets behind the Superman production. The flight scenes were captured using a $679 Dji Phantom 2 quadrocopter. The GoPro sits under it on a stabilizing mount to keep the footage smooth. The result is some pretty exhilarating video, especially if you open it up to full-screen and pretend you’re flying along for the ride.

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Quadcopter captures footage of active volcano

volcano
(Credit:
Video screenshot by Michelle Starr/CNET Australia)

Active volcanoes, for obvious reasons, are hard to study up close. They’re dangerous to human-piloted aircraft — as well as human bodies — which means footage of active craters is difficult to obtain.

YouTuber Shaun O’Callaghan, however, figured out a way: with a quadcopter. He attached a GoPro action camera to a DJI Phantom and flew that baby right into the crater of Mount Yasur, an active volcano on Tanna Island, Vanuatu.

Amazingly, the drone escaped unscathed — even getting up close and personal with lava that can reach temperatures up to 1,200 degrees Celsius — and O’Callaghan successfully demonstrated that volcanoes are awesome.

Also how effectively quadcopters can be used for research where humans can’t go. But we’d like to think it’s at least equal parts awesome.

Check it out for yourself in the video below.

(Source: Crave Australia via Dronehire.org)

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